|
[26 Dec 2004|01:25am] |
This is the last time I write here, in this journal.
I wouldn't have even done it now, but I love to have the last word.
Burn your bridges, Brandon.
You will never be happy. What you call a 'one-horse town' was a place that accepted you, and even loved you, but you throw it all away.
You've made your decision, and that's fine.
You asked me once if I regretted being with you.
I don't regret falling in love. I regret that it was with you. Because you make it seem like you used me up... used ALL of us... and then cast us all away when you found better, greener grass.
I am a fool.
But I learned a lesson. A good one. I will never look at you the same way I did. I don't hate you, no. I am just incredibly disappointed. All those things you promised, all those things you said that you would do...
Everything was a lie.
You are a liar.
I defended you until the end. But I give up. I throw the responsibility down. If you think you can lie your way into happiness, go ahead and try.
As for me, I have the rest of my life to live. And I've never ever felt more refreshed.
I've cleansed myself of you. Of your touch, of your scent, of your memories. Hell, it's getting hard to remember your face.
I don't care.
I don't care if you are hurt by this, because you are being selfish. And why shouldn't I, then?
The end.
Run away, Brandon, like a coward. I thought you were better than that. But I suppose I was lying to myself.
|
|
| so here i am |
[19 Nov 2004|04:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
So here I am on a working computer hooked up to the internet. I haven't decided whether or not this is a dream, because it doesn't seem like it is real! Wow! Been waiting years for this, my own computer to do whatever the hell I want to on. ^_^
I have to thank Brandon for this. I wasn't expecting it at all, but it was a really kind thing to do. It will be put to good use, believe you me. So thanks, I mean it. Thanks to Fox for the permission to do this, and to Tony for... um... carrying the monitor into my room o_O
My room is all clean and smells like lemon grass. Lovely! A compy, boatloads of music via Brandon, pretty lights... I am so content. XD
I have a desk. W3rd.
|
|
|
[15 Nov 2004|09:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 complacent |
] |
So much to talk about.
Today was beautiful. Aaron's last day in St. Louis, so we took him downtown to the historic district. I bought him a tiger's eye stone and a touramine stone to protect him on his train ride back to North Carolina, or 'No'th Cackalackey' as he likes to call it. Weird southern people... XD
Last night was a lot of goodness. I spent the night alone in my room, cleaning, singing, dancing to myself, drawing... listening to Bjork, Cat Stevens, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and The Rasmus. Oh! Jimi Hendrix, too. A good musical night.
Don't you feel a change a coming
from another side of time
breaking down the walls of silence
lifting shadows from your mind
Placing back the missing mirrors
that before you couldn't find
filling mysteries of emptiness
that yesterday left behind
And we all know it's better
Yesterday has past
now let's all start the living
for the one that's going to last
And we all know it's better
Yesterday has past
now let's all start the living
for the one that's going to last
Don't you feel the day is coming
that will stay and remain
when your children see the answers
that you saw the same
when the clouds have all gone
there will be no more rain
and the beauty of all things
is uncovered again
Don't you feel the day is coming
and it won't be too soon
when the people of the world
can all live in one room
when we shake off the ancient
shake off the ancient chains of our tomb
we will all be born again
of the eternal womb
I liked that one a lot.
Today, at Border's, I bought a few things. Another collection of herbal remedies and applications for my bookshelf. Stephen King's 'The Gunslinger,' because I promised Jonas I'd read it. Two volumes by Laurell K. Hamilton. A little smutty at times, but I can't say no to vampires in St. Louis. It's just so WEIRD to read about the characters cavorting about in Creve Coeur, Chesterfield, and Wildwood, among other suburbs of St. Louis. I mean... those are all places I drive through/visit, so it makes the story interesting.
As I'm moving through herbal healing, I'm starting to think about spiritual healing. But with all those books with their conflicting opinions and advice on the matter, I trust myself more. I don't need a book to feel my rhythms and the way my body and energy moves.
You all think I'm weird, don't you? XD
Oh! Great news! I may have my own computer, very shortly! WITH INTERNET CONNECTION! HALLELUJAH! My friends pooled their old parts together and built me my very own computer. I'm so happy. I have such good friends. They're going to help me set it up in my room on Friday. SO WONDERFUL! I'm excited. My home internet connection has been down for more than two weeks now, because my step-father is a procrastinator and also won't let me touch the damned thing to try and fix it. I've been TRYING to get a picture colored, but I can't do anything with the compy out of commission.
Valet/Ramy from Gaia finally finished my commission. I'd paid my nitemare mini-wings for him to draw my character and web persona, Rynne, a few months ago, and then he disappeared off the face of the planet. I thought he was gone for good and my miniwings gone with him, but he showed up again on Gaia under a different screen name. He apologized and fulfilled his end of the bargain, so YAY! Wanna see?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v479/ramy_b/cloudsfinish.jpg
He did such a good job. <3
|
|
|
[04 Nov 2004|02:18am] |
|
Eh... four more years. o_O
|
|
| green ballots and tuscan chicken |
[02 Nov 2004|02:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 peaceful |
] |
This has been a wonderful, beautiful day. No matter that it's freezing outside and wet, and seeming like winter has finally taken hold. No matter that the power shut itself off today.
I got up at seven, took my mother to work. I came home and played with my dog a bit and worked on my pixelated tarot cards (currently, I have three of the major arcana finished... a long way to go). Then the power shut off, so I decided to spend the day out. I went and voted first. My first election, and it was somewhat fulfilling to leave that little school gym feeling like I'd helped to make a difference. For the longest time, politics was something very VAGUE to me, who couldn't vote and didn't know the issues. But being in that small elementary school, waiting in line for the polls, politics was brought down to a personal level. Among the other ordinary people (a mother with her child, a business man on lunch, a school cafeteria worker who'd snuck away to wait in line), I felt that eventually, politics did reach us. Hm.
I went to St. Louis Bread Company after that and had a steaming bowl of broccoli cheddar soup and their wonderful tuscan chicken sandwich. Then, off to the mall, where I spent the rest of the time in Borders. After whoring the manga section for a bit, I eventually came home with the 2005 Poet's Market, which I'd been meaning to buy for awhile but didn't like the $25 price. I broke down. I also bought two other books-- one expounding on korean comic art, and the other explaining digital coloring techniques.
Now I'm at home, brewing up a hot cup of jasmine tea. I feel very, very good. n______n I don't even mind that I have to work an eight hour shift until half past midnight tonight. Don't mind at all!
|
|
| the darkness |
[31 Oct 2004|01:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
I just got back from the first haunted house I've been to in a long while. A set-up one, mind you, but it was still pretty fun. Katrina and I got our tickets at a reduced price... we bought them from a girl who was too scared to go in. XD Then, we waited for half an hour to forty-five minutes in line. There was a guy in costume rousing up the crowd. A big guy with awesome dreads and a wonderful trenchcoat. We decided that he and Rachel should someday get togther. Entering, I got stared down by a zombie guy after I accidentally bumped into him. He wasn't scary, and I didn't act scared, so I think he was offended. He seemed to pick on me a lot after that, until we left the area.
I was followed a good fifty feet by a crossdresser with a knife. It was a little disconcerting. XD But we ran into our dreadlock guy again, and Katrina laughed. "Hey Rachel, it's your friend!" she shouted. The guy followed us yelling Rachel's name. Quite fun. I wasn't SCARED scared. But I did jump back and yelp when people jumped out at me. It was fun.
|
|
|
[29 Oct 2004|12:57am] |
So, worked again today. I may have to spend tomorrow carting around my step father, since his car broke down yesterday. That will really suck.
Gaia has munak and bongun-esque halloween costumes, now. XD
I haven't been doing much, mainly cleaning here and there, working, and hanging out with my friends. Drawing a lot! And studying my plants. Maybe this weekend I'll drive down to one of the parks and gather a bit of stuff to take back and identify, and possibly use. Word of warning to friends: no more over the counter medicine for you. Come see me and I'll give you leafy goodness of good.
Like anyone would come. XD Ah well.
I'm going to see Rachel B. on Saturday. Other Rachel! I shall call you soon. We should go see a movie or something. ^_^
|
|
|
[28 Oct 2004|01:27am] |
|
I've been working too much to really think lately. Maybe it's a good thing.
|
|
| shikityshwa |
[22 Oct 2004|09:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
Today was interesting. I got my ears pierced. I want to have mulitple earrings, eventually. Something I've always thought about doing but never actually got around to it till now. At the mall, Fox's battery needed a jump. An Israeli ex-military now mall-security guy came to jump the car, but he didn't seem to know what he was doing, as he put the ground on plastic. :\
I got to ride in the back of Tony's truck when we all had to run to Fox's house for the jumper cables in his old Sable. Then, back to the mall where after a bit of difficulty we managed to get everything shipshape again. Twas fun.
|
|
|
[22 Oct 2004|01:50pm] |
On Wednesday night, my lovely little Obi-chan turtle friend died. I don't know why. When I went to sleep, he was perfectly fine. He didn't show any symptoms of any sickness, so I don't know what happened. I thought maybe he'd gotten in a fight with Kappa, though they'd never had problems before. But he didn't look maimed.
I buried him beneath a little tree in our yard. And last night, Kappa made the strangest sound. He CHIRPED. For the better part of an hour. I think he was crying.
|
|
|
[20 Oct 2004|04:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
Worked. Played DDR until I was too tired to think much.
I don't work tomorrow. It's going to be a long day. I put those things in the closet. Doesn't feel right to return them. I'm not sure what to do with them, really.
I bought a wish bracelet yesterday. Blue glass beads for peace in life. When it breaks I'll make a decision. Seems fitting, I think. Didn't notice until now that there were twenty altogether. I'd like to leave it in Fate's hand, anyway.
I have to say that I'm extremely thankful for my friends. Thanks to them I don't have to dwell in it all the time. I hope he's got equal support from his friends and loved ones. I'm sure he does.
Laundry and room cleaning tomorrow. And FMA, since Fox let me borrow the series. THANK YOU!
|
|
|
[18 Oct 2004|11:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
The hardest thing is waking up.
I know there are things to be said, but I don't trust myself yet to keep my wits. But don't think that anyone hates you. I don't hate you, not at all.
When something was an intregal part of your life, it's extremely difficult to find things to even begin to fill the hole that's left. And it can't even be filled. The best you can do is patch it and camoflague it so that when someone asks how you are, you can say 'I'm fine.'
I can't hate anyone. I can't not love people, one in particular.
But I cannot cannot cannot let myself be hurt.
I've lost sight of myself. Where did my ambitions go? Where did my future go?
This is the time rediscover myself. Time to take everything in my life, polish it again, and put it where it belongs. I've let myself veer hopelessly off course. I need to find my road again. The thread I was following. If I can remember it, I'll regain my perspective.
I'm not saying it can never be again. If it is, things are going to be different. I will take my future in my own hands and shape it. I can't let myself be content to just let things happen. Because things don't happen on their own. Things get stagnant and then I let myself be satisfied with it. It's the root of my depression.
I'm going to college. I'm getting a good job, something I can be happy doing.
I let myself be blinded in love. I let myself slip dangerously. It was my fault, completely. I can't do that again, not until I've accomplished what I set out to do. If my partner and I can support each other then I will be happy. But we can't let ourselves be satisfied with nothing, and only dream about the future. We have to make our future.
I've forgotten what it takes to do that. I need to go out and remember how it goes.
So, until then, I will wait. Watch. Test the waters, perhaps. I can be patient. And I'm stubborn as hell.
We'll see how it goes.
|
|
|
[18 Oct 2004|02:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
She has a porcelain doll.
She keeps it hidden away
far in the recesses of her closet--
tied up with twine in an old shoebox.
You know, she kept that thing secret.
Just for you and her to enjoy.
She kissed its cold cheeks,
fixed its mussed golden curls
and called it Sacred Love.
Except sometimes when she called it
Blue-eyed Heartbreak.
Today, she changed that doll's name again--
threw its precious form across the room,
watched it bounce once and then shatter.
She cried when its alabaster hands
skittered back to her,
heaving wracking sobs.
That doll no longer is.
She only tries to remember it,
tries to assemble it again in her mind.
In her heart.
She calls it Empty
and only cries about it sometimes.
|
|
|
[02 Oct 2004|11:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 moody |
] |
( an incredibly long survey )
I hate when my thoughts spiral into themselves. I think too much.
|
|
|
[28 Sep 2004|11:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
Is there such a thing as an insignificant death? That's my current form of wandering since I discovered a little dead bird in my garden today. Maybe one of my cats got to it. I'm not sure.
Looks like it might rain. That would be a very good thing since it's been pretty drought like throughout September. I can feel the air cooling down. I love fall weather, but the fact that winter is right behind kind of dampers the mood. Autumn makes me nostalgic.
I think each season has a particular smell. Autumn smells like sweet hay, dried leaves, and promised snow. On the whole it has a sweet, earthy scent. That's why I like to sit outside, because the smell reminds me of the things Autumn reminds me of. Seventh grade angst. Numerous Halloweens. Some marching competitions and a few scattered Homecomings.
Chiru's birthday is on the first, and Brandon's is on the twentieth. Chiru will be twenty-one, I believe. She's not one for alcohol, so I don't know what we'll do to celebrate. Speaking of Chiru, I need to return her items to her and cancel my Nexus account.
|
|
| carness |
[23 Sep 2004|01:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rain - Cowboy Bebop |
] |
I have a car that I want. I saw it on the side of the road at a small dealership last week. A cute little orange thing-- that's all I could see driving by at forty miles an hour. Yesterday Brandon and I went to take a look at it. It is cute and orange. And a 1987 Nissan 240SX. And a stick shift. And A FREAKING RACING CAR. It has a rollcage, for chrissakes. A ROLLCAGE! The seats have harness belts. It's so cool! The car itself I could afford. But the insurance would be outrageous.
;-;
I want.
|
|
|
[20 Sep 2004|12:21am] |
You are a Samurai.
You have trained the majority of your life. You are
honerable, you follow your word. You spare no
one once in combat, but that is expected, for
your oponent would do the same to you. You use
a two-handed katana.
What type of Swordsman are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
|
|
|
[16 Sep 2004|01:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hyper |
] |
In less than twenty four hours my hair will be chopped off.
....
... OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF!?
>_>
I think someone will have to tie me to the chair. Or drug me. Or something. But it must be done.
My Natsume Maya skirt turned out uber-short. Shorter than I would have liked, but eh. Lil' fanservice never hurt anyone. XP Just kidding. I'm going out to find some bike shorts or SOMETHING. Guys at anime conventions can be pretty scary and desperate.
Last time, a little twerp asked me to dump Brandon and spend the night with him. When I said hell no, he asked again, and said he'd pay me for it. !!!! Ack! How horrible! Two other guys (older... maybe middle aged) wanted to take their picture with me. That's normal when you're cosplaying. So I thought nothing of it until one of them just randomly swept me off the ground. I was freaked out and he wouldn't put me down.
I wish I had Maya's choukto rekki. Fanboys wouldn't dare mess with a girl who is holding a sword. Bwahahaha!
*lusts for blades*
<_<
|
|
|
[12 Sep 2004|01:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 listless |
] |
Yeah, Da Qiao style! XD
Well... I made the appointment with the hair lady today to get my curls all chopped off. I'm very nervous! I developed a phobia of hairdressers after a horrible cut I got when I was ten or eleven. I haven't even trimmed my hair since eighth grade. BUT! It's time for a change. I'll post a photo after the deed is done. Everyone think of me at two in the afternoon on Thursday, because I'll likely be squeezing my eyes shut and gripping the chair arms as the first cut is made.
Loki died today. I got home, fed Obi and Kappa, and then went to feed Loki. He was a very dead fishy. I don't know why. He has nice, filtered water, food once a day, a temperate climate... I can't understand why he died. I only had him for a month or two, but I felt bad. But, I'll buy another fish, from somewhere other than Wal-Mart this time. I have all the equipment, and I liked having a fish around. Poor Loki. T_T
AI is less than a week away. I MUST SEW WITH THE SPEED OF GAZELLES! On the up side, my cat ears look very cute!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
nightingaledark's journal
accomplished